I get the feeling that I may have scared off or offended some people with my post about plagiarism. Normally, I’d be okay with that, but this blog doesn’t just belong to me. That type of mindset isn’t fair to the other half of this blog: Em. So this post is for her, in a way.
I don’t feel comfortable getting personal, unlike Em. You’ll notice there are no pictures of me or my family, and I don’t delve too deep into my personal life on here. I like sharing recipes and things that I’ve learned that may help others, but that is the extent of my sharing.
I’m used to people not liking me for whatever their reasons, I never know. I don’t have any mom friends, except for Em. Ever since my son, who is turning 18 next month, started kindergarten, moms have rejected me. I’m not stating that to get any sympathy; it’s just how it’s been. I was a young mom (25 when he started kindergarten), and it was an uppity neighborhood with much older moms. I have tattoos of naked faeries (Brian Froud) that are partially visible if I wear a tank top. And I’m skinny: 105 lbs. at 5’3″. I’m only assuming those are the reasons the other moms stood in their little circles and gossiped, trying to inconspicuously look my way and not talk to me. Oh, I tried to make playdates and talk to them, but there was always an excuse or obvious uncomfortable atmosphere when I’d make attempts at conversation.
It was only a matter of time when people would get turned off here. But I’m going off on a tangent. What I wanted to talk about occurred even earlier.
As a kid, I was the shy, quiet girl who everyone thought was sweet. Throughout high school, I was the shy, quiet girl that wore Doc Martens knee-high stomper boots with every dress and sat at the back of the classroom. I still played well with others back then.
When I was 19, I met my Ex. My two oldest kids’ dad. I’m not going to go into detail about what he did to me and everything he made me do because that’s not really relevant; it’s no one’s business; and not even Em knows everything. She’s the only one that knows most of it. And it’s going to stay that way. He never struck me, but let your imagination run wild, and that will most likely cover the gamut. He was (still is) controlling and manipulative. A liar. A cheater. An abuser.
I don’t want sympathy. I got out. Sympathize with those women that haven’t left their abusers yet. And I don’t even want to hear the statement, “Well, all you have to do is leave.” Go educate yourself. It’s more complicated than you could ever imagine. I was never hit, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t afraid of him.
When I left, he was surprised. He had always told me, “You’ll never leave me. Where are you going to go?” He really didn’t get pissed until I filed for child support.
Money was (is) important to him. Any money I ever made from a part-time job, he took and spent on other women. A part-time job that he dropped me off at and picked me up from, and if I was so much as 2 minutes late coming out, I’d get yelled at. In front of my kids. In the enclosed space of the car.
He threatened to take my kids away from me if I didn’t give him back the child support I received every month. When he secured his next girl, he took me to court and tried to take my kids away from me. She had money. He convinced her, her whole family, his whole family, his lawyer, my son’s teacher (and principal and school staff), and tried to convince the judge that I abused and neglected my children. He even went as far as telling our children (6 and 3, at the time) that they needed to talk to this person (a psychologist) and tell this person that Mama hits them and doesn’t feed them.
I didn’t tell my kids that I was in a court battle. I didn’t know they knew until they asked me why Papa was telling them that they had to tell someone these horrible things about me. I nearly lost it.
No one can even fathom what it feels like to have this done to you, unless you have had it done to you. To have that fear that your children might be taken away from you. To feel like no one believes you and thinks terrible things of you that aren’t true. To feel so helpless. To feel so weak and be so afraid of the person who is doing this to you.
Yes, I had a lawyer. A decent enough one. Our court hearing was scheduled for 2 hours, and it lasted 20 minutes. Twenty minutes of my ex spewing bullshit. I love our judge. He stopped my ex mid-sentence and pulled both lawyers into his chambers. The judge was pissed and told my ex’s attorney he was wasting his time.
That was the end of it but not of the harrassment. I requested email only contact at the end of the hearing and got it.
As I’ve gotten older and time has passed, I am no longer afraid of him. As my children have gotten older, and without me bad-mouthing, they have come to realize who their father really is.
The girl that financed that whole ordeal? He abused and cheated on her, too, and she left him. She thought I was some psycho bitch, until she called me one day and asked if we could talk over lunch. He didn’t allow us to talk to each other before that. She and I became close friends after that. We don’t talk much anymore because our lives have gotten so hectic, but we still touch base once in awhile. My kids think of her as their second mom. She adores them, and I know she misses them terribly. They do keep in touch as much as possible. She had two kids with him, and she and I try to make sure they stay close.
He is the reason I don’t play nice with others anymore. I have no patience for bullshit. I don’t tolerate blatant ignorance very well. I have no time for stupid, petty people.
When you come in my house, I expect you to behave and not act stupid. When you come into my house (or in my blog) and make ignorant accusations, I will get pissed. I don’t appreciate petty people accusing me or my family (because Em is family) of untrue things and then trying to convince others of these untrue things. Take your agenda elsewhere.
I don’t tolerate a lot of things these days and have no patience with stupidity.
If you met me, and you were nice, you’d never guess I was like this or been through that. Ask Em. I support my friends and family. I’m still fairly quiet and sweet. If you’re a sincerely nice person and you want me to support your blog, then I will support your blog and your post rankings (whatever those are). If you’re an ass, I don’t care about you or your post rankings.
I hope by opening up a little, some of you will come to understand where I’m coming from. If not, that’s okay. I hope you’ll still support Em and visit our blog to read her stuff. She’s worth it. She’s been through so much more than I have in her life, and she hasn’t hardened to the world like I have. She still sees the good in people. I try.
Em, I truly apologize if I fucked up our blog. I can’t be fake and I can’t play nice when someone is bullying you. It’s just who I am.