Category Archives: “Defective” Stories

My Boots Were TOO Shiney!

cop signOnce again I have been remembering funny stories of when I was a cop.

We who are ADD, say that SOME people have attention surplus disorder.  I didn’t come up with that.  There is a fabulous book about ADD  called ..oh crap I forgot the name of it..hold on..   Delivered From Distraction, by psychiatrists Edward (Ned) Hallowell and John Ratey, sorry… I had to look it up! 

You know, those people who tell on you at work, those people who are paying more attention to what YOU are doing and saying then to themselves, those is a story about one of THOSE people.  HA, I am laughing because I typed “hold on”.

I was in the academy, and at this time hadn’t been in long.  We had to polish our boots to a nice shine.  Well, my dad is a Vietnam vet and dang it if my boots weren’t going to be the BEST boots at the academy.  My dad spit shined them to where the toes looked like patent leather!  Now he did this for me but also SHOWED me how to do it.  I should also add that my “guy”, where you buy your uniform, had my academy blues tailored to me so well I didn’t EVER have to iron them.  I looked GOOD, or what we call “squared away.”  I found that was half the battle.  It’s part of having good police presence.  Who want’s someone showing up with their uniform looking like it was just wadded up in a bag or something?  Wouldn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy and safe would it?

All of the guys and 2 other women wanted to know how my boots looked so awesome all of the time and I told them, like an idiot, that my dad showed me.  I told them he had done them a few times.  A few people offered to pay my dad!   My dad said “No way, yours will be the BEST!”    We would sit at night and I would have a bunch of people sitting with me while I showed them how to get that polish.  Nobody had the “base” so only a few attained true “boot” enlightenment.  We also went over our homework and recited codes and things for the following day’s classes or tests.  We all became really close on those nights.

One day, walking through the campus, the MEANEST Tac Officer (Tactical Officer, AKA, an actual cop who taught us) we had walked up to me and yelled, “RECRUIT…YOUR BOOTS LOOK EXCELLENT!”  I started breathing again and said “THANK YOU SIR!”  Then I hear some snot say, “Her DAD polished her boots.”  I just looked at my Tac and waited for him to start yelling at me, or give me a “memo” or pushups or shoot me, maybe pepper spray me or something horrible.  My Tac’s  eye’s got REALLY big and he looked at me and didn’t say anything.    At this point my knees were knocking my legs were shaking so bad because I was REALLY that scared.

My Tac turned to this guy who is just a SHIT in my mind now, (here’s where the attention surplus disorder comes in) and say’s to him, “COME HERE RECRUIT!”  The guy walks over to him.  My Tac told me to leave but  I stood not far behind my Tac to watch what was going to happen.  My Tac says “YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TOLD ON HER?  YOUR UNIFORM SAYS “KICK MY ASS” AND YOUR BOOTS LOOK LIKE SHIT!  I WANT A 1000 WORD MEMO ON WHY YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT!  I DON’T CARE WHO SHINED HER BOOTS AT LEAST THEY LOOK GOOD!”  I almost fell over laughing.  I stuck my tongue out at the guy (yeah REAL mature I know) and walked off.

I’ll NEVER forget that little SNOT TELLING ON ME!  WHO DOES THAT??  “Her DAD polished her boots.” I can still hear it.  It was sooo funny, he told on me like we were 5 or something and then he literally almost got his butt kicked!

We had a saying, still do “If you aren’t cheatin’, you aren’t tryin’ ” which doesn’t mean to actually CHEAT, it just means to figure it out.  This is also the same as “If you don’t know the answer, go find someone that does.”  These rules still stand.  “Don’t be a tattle tale” still stands too.

Turns out the Tac I thought was so mean was a sweetheart.  His name was Pierce.  Corey Pierce.  Pierce took me to the Dr. a few months later because I was really sick.  I lived on campus and didn’t have any money.  He paid for the Dr. visit and for my medication.  I’ll never forget how he stood up for me.  I was a woman,  and smart and some guys, believe it or not, did NOT like that.  Little did they know I would have the highest academic score and was president of my reserve academy.  I also had a letter of commendation as a reserve officer before I even went to the full time academy for solving a burglary in less than 48 hours. (That’s a whole ‘nother story!)

My lesson was never judge a book by it’s cover.  They HAD to treat us a certain way at times.  It made us pay attention to detail and made us tough.  It made us smarter and better people. I will never forget Pierce and what he did for me.  He reminded me that I had a career now, not a JOB.  He talked to me the whole way there and back like he was my brother.  He was and still is my “brother”, my brother in blue.  You never stop being a cop.  It’s like being a Dr., but not having a practice or any patients.  You will always be a cop, feel like one, and act like one on so many levels.  Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much.  We have to learn how to take the “cop hat” off and put blinder’s on.  Especially when it comes to family and friends.  More importantly for when the day comes where you have to quit, or retire for whatever reason.  Mine was to take care of my daughter and family.  I couldn’t do it working so many hours.

Pierce went back to normal scary after we got back.  After I graduated he was so cool.  We talked, hugged, laughed..I called him by his first name just because I COULD, and that made him laugh.

Stick up for the little guy!  They just might be your boss some day.  I ended up a detective and the little snot ended up not lasting..who would’ve thought?  Not that I wanted him to fail..THAT was his own doing, and was good for all of us.  We don’t need cops like that protecting and SERVING our citizens.

Take Care All!

Beauty and The Beat..and The Beast

I know today is about beauty, but I can’t think of anything except how my brother-in-law used to tell me I had to “ugly” myself up before I went on patrol when I was a police officer.

I remember an incident I was called out to.  It was a dang good thing I looked good that night.  I put my long hair in a quick braid, didn’t take off my make-up and forgot to take my earrings out.  The call was an intoxicated person laying in the middle of my highway.  Another officer had rolled up on him and had dispatch call me to my jurisdiction.

I arrived at the scene to see my town drunk LAYING in the middle of the highway.  I had thought I’d seen everything at this point.  He was argumentative to the other officer as I was walking up to him.

I looked down and he hadn’t looked at me yet and said “Sammy, get up and I’ll take you home.”  He said “If you take me home I’ll kill you.”  WELL THAT’S A ONE WAY TICKET TO JAIL!  So, I told him I was going to take him to jail.

Sammy turns over and looks at me, eyes glazed over and said. “I’ll go anywhere with YOU, just not HIM.”  I said “Well, you’re going to jail for threatening the life of a police officer AND public indecency.”  At this point the other guy turned to LEAVE ME THERE!   I said “WHERE do you think YOU are going?”  He said “Well, it looks like you have things handled.”  I said “I don’t have anything “handled” until he is in cuffs and properly searched and stuffed in MY CAR!”  The other officer was on his way home and found it in his heart to back me up while I commenced to cuff and search Sammy.  What a JERK!  He even called me “little lady”, talk about the “good old boy” mentality.  Sammy on the other hand was pretty calm at this point.

We get to the patrol car and Sammy starts freaking out.  I whipped him around, batted my eyelashes so hard it hurt, and reminded him he was going with me.  Sammy’s eyes glazed again and he got into my car smiling like a kid.  I slammed the door shut and took a deep breath and than told Mr. Honky Pants he could go home now.

I saw Sammy at court about a week later.  He walked up to me and said. “Miss Emalie, I am so sorry for what I said to you.  I don’t remember that night but that’s not an excuse.  I quit drinking.  Can you forgive me?  I would NEVER hurt you.”  I had tears in my eyes.  I said “Of course I forgive you Sammy..just don’t do it again!”

Sammy hugged me.  I let him hug me.  Then he walked off.

Sammy died 3 days later of a heart attack while he slept.  He died peacefully.  Sammy had a long history and even though he doesn’t sound like a REAL bad guy, Sammy tried to kill his mother about 15 years prior to this stop.  He had a history of violence and when he said he was going to kill me I HAD to take him seriously.

Sammy’s mom forgave him and he got a lot of help.

Sometimes stories are funny, than turn into real life REAL quick.  That was the nature of my job, the nature of the beast.

Just another reason to look good, you never know when it might save your life.


Funny Cop Story

Since I’ve been such a DRAG lately, I thought I would write about a funny story from when I was on patrol.  Considering the cannabis laws being passed here in WA this fits for the times also.  Too bad for my “bad guy” who wasn’t really “bad” that the laws weren’t passed back then..this is about 10 years ago.

So, I’m sitting with my partner, running radar on our only highway in and out of our town that’s so small even I would speed through, not knowing I just plowed through a town.  That being said we were in the meth capital of the United States at the time, so I forgive myself for “fishing”.  Plus, it was my JOB.  Now, my partner is 6’6″, 220 and I’m 4’11”, about 120 at the time.  The advantage is everyone talked to me and I could see EVERYTHING inside a car..EVERYTHING.

I pull over a vehicle with a tail light out.  No bad driving, just tail light.  I make contact with the driver.  The driver is about 19, actually a cute kid and is smiling ear to ear…hhhmmm.

I tell him that I pulled him over because his tail light is out and can I see his license and registration, proof of insurance.  He STARTS LAUGHING!  I’m like “What the heck is so funny?”  I smell pot, like WEED central.  I ask him “Do you have any pot on you?”  He replies “No.”  His next words were..wait for it..

“You didn’t ask if I had any in the car!”  I say “OOKAAY, Do you have any pot in your car?”

He replies “DANG IT!” like a 5 year old and whips this small bag of weed out of the side pocket of his door and just hands it to me.  I was standing there, mouth agape..then I busted out LAUGHING!!  I said “DUDE, you didn’t HAVE to tell me that, NOW what am I going to do with you?”  He said “I’m going to work, where I push grocery carts around all would be stoned if you had to do that too..”  I thought to myself he was most likely correct and waived my partner who was on the other side of the car to the back.

I told him everything, and my partner is bending over laughing.  I said “I do NOT want to take this kid to jail.  What do we do?”  He said “Let’s make him tear it up.  Like back in the “day.”  I was down for this.

I make contact again, and I’m trying to talk and not giggle at the same time.  I tell the kid.  “Get out of the car.”  His face turns white.  He gets out and I say “I don’t want to ruin your life, and I don’t want YOU to ruin your here, tear this crap up.”  He takes the bag, tears in his eyes and says, “Do you have ANY idea how much this COST me?”  I said “Do you have ANY IDEA how much JAIL COSTS?”  He nodded his head and said “OOOHH, dude, YEAH..OK, here I go.”

He proceeds to tear up the pot pieces and throws them on the ground.  He gets to the stem, a long hard stem and can’t tear it up.  He looks at me and starts panicking, the first pot smoker I’ve ever seen panic, and says “I can’t tear it up man, what do I do?”  I just laughed, grabbed it, threw it on the ground and squished it into the rocks with my boot.  He said.  “DUDE..why didn’t I think of that?”  I said “Because you are obviously stoned, my friend.”

I made him do the field sobriety tests which he PASSED with flying colors.  So I let him go.

I saw him at the store he worked at 2 months later.  I was shopping.  He was working in the electronics department.  He ran up to me and gave me a HUGE hug out of nowhere.  He thanked me and grabbed his manager.  The manager shook my hand and said because of the way I treated him he got his crap together.  They all liked him and could see potential, he was just always baked.

So, long story short, not everyone was a bad guy.  Loved that kid.  Hope he’s good.