Tag Archives: funny mom blog

Plastic Wrap Has A Deal WIth Big Pharma..I Swear

Hello All,

I am now convinced that plastic wrap was created so us women, and I’m sure some men, go so completely bat shit crazy using it that we eventually need medication to continue with our daily lives.

OK, I know that’s most likely not true, but it’s how I feel.  I said most likely. 

Maybe I have yet to master the mastering of Saran Wrap?  You hear me Saran Wrap makers?  I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!

First, it’s doesn’t stick to anything.

Second, the entire roll falls out of the box and ROOOOLLLSSS across my floor where 100 square feet of it picks up all the kitty hair on the floor.  CAN I USE THAT? NO!  So I throw it away and start over again.

Third, it’s not wide enough for the bowl, so I must use multiple sheets.  This means multiple times of pulling that crap out and wrapping the top of the bowl like a present.  Then my husband comes home and asks me if I’ve been fighting with the plastic wrap … AGAIN.

I tried Cling Wrap but the adhesive sicks to my dishes and then I have to scrape it off.  Hate that too.  It’s sucks.

Now that I’m writing this I completely realize it’s entirely my fault.

Sorry Saran Wrap, I guess I’m just ACTUALLY crazy, or better yet, the plastic wrap is smarter than I am.

I’m going to wrap my head in it now.

Just kidding.  I’ll just take my meds … it’s all good, really..I’m TOTALLY fine.  Image

I don’t really look like that.  My eyes would be bigger and my hair would look like I just stuck my finger in a light socket.  There would only be two sandwiches and the guy in the back would be crying.

Hope you laughed. 

Em

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Another “Heart Attack” recipe from my Great Grandma

fried chicken fat

I know today isn’t recipe day, but if I post anything else it’ll just be a bunch of swear words.

When I was little my Great Grandma, Johanna would make fried chicken fat.  Yes, fat.  They were like popcorn.  Small delicious bites of brown salty goodness.

You could probably eat this ONCE and live.

She called them.. well I can’t find the name but sounds like “greev-luhs”. I guess there is a version called Schmaltz, but that’s NOT what she said.

She used lard or bacon grease to deep fry them.  I had to use grape seed oil because that’s all that I had.  I made these for my daughter ONCE just to show her one of my great memories from childhood.

I just cut the fat off of regular chicken thighs for this.

Heat about 1/2″ of lard or oil or whatever you want to use, hot enough to deep fry quickly.  If it’s not hot enough the fat (believe it or not) will soak up the grease and they won’t be crispy.

Cut the chicken fat into small pieces, like 1/4″

Carefully put the pieces in the oil and let fry until golden brown.

Remove with a slotted spoon onto paper towels.  Salt while there is still some grease on them so the salt sticks.. YES SALT!

When they have drained put into a bowl and enjoy.

Then go run a couple of miles 😉

Em

 

My Boots Were TOO Shiney!

cop signOnce again I have been remembering funny stories of when I was a cop.

We who are ADD, say that SOME people have attention surplus disorder.  I didn’t come up with that.  There is a fabulous book about ADD  called ..oh crap I forgot the name of it..hold on..   Delivered From Distraction, by psychiatrists Edward (Ned) Hallowell and John Ratey, sorry… I had to look it up! 

You know, those people who tell on you at work, those people who are paying more attention to what YOU are doing and saying then to themselves, those people..here is a story about one of THOSE people.  HA, I am laughing because I typed “hold on”.

I was in the academy, and at this time hadn’t been in long.  We had to polish our boots to a nice shine.  Well, my dad is a Vietnam vet and dang it if my boots weren’t going to be the BEST boots at the academy.  My dad spit shined them to where the toes looked like patent leather!  Now he did this for me but also SHOWED me how to do it.  I should also add that my “guy”, where you buy your uniform, had my academy blues tailored to me so well I didn’t EVER have to iron them.  I looked GOOD, or what we call “squared away.”  I found that was half the battle.  It’s part of having good police presence.  Who want’s someone showing up with their uniform looking like it was just wadded up in a bag or something?  Wouldn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy and safe would it?

All of the guys and 2 other women wanted to know how my boots looked so awesome all of the time and I told them, like an idiot, that my dad showed me.  I told them he had done them a few times.  A few people offered to pay my dad!   My dad said “No way, yours will be the BEST!”    We would sit at night and I would have a bunch of people sitting with me while I showed them how to get that polish.  Nobody had the “base” so only a few attained true “boot” enlightenment.  We also went over our homework and recited codes and things for the following day’s classes or tests.  We all became really close on those nights.

One day, walking through the campus, the MEANEST Tac Officer (Tactical Officer, AKA, an actual cop who taught us) we had walked up to me and yelled, “RECRUIT…YOUR BOOTS LOOK EXCELLENT!”  I started breathing again and said “THANK YOU SIR!”  Then I hear some snot say, “Her DAD polished her boots.”  I just looked at my Tac and waited for him to start yelling at me, or give me a “memo” or pushups or shoot me, maybe pepper spray me or something horrible.  My Tac’s  eye’s got REALLY big and he looked at me and didn’t say anything.    At this point my knees were knocking my legs were shaking so bad because I was REALLY that scared.

My Tac turned to this guy who is just a SHIT in my mind now, (here’s where the attention surplus disorder comes in) and say’s to him, “COME HERE RECRUIT!”  The guy walks over to him.  My Tac told me to leave but  I stood not far behind my Tac to watch what was going to happen.  My Tac says “YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TOLD ON HER?  YOUR UNIFORM SAYS “KICK MY ASS” AND YOUR BOOTS LOOK LIKE SHIT!  I WANT A 1000 WORD MEMO ON WHY YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT!  I DON’T CARE WHO SHINED HER BOOTS AT LEAST THEY LOOK GOOD!”  I almost fell over laughing.  I stuck my tongue out at the guy (yeah REAL mature I know) and walked off.

I’ll NEVER forget that little SNOT TELLING ON ME!  WHO DOES THAT??  “Her DAD polished her boots.” I can still hear it.  It was sooo funny, he told on me like we were 5 or something and then he literally almost got his butt kicked!

We had a saying, still do “If you aren’t cheatin’, you aren’t tryin’ ” which doesn’t mean to actually CHEAT, it just means to figure it out.  This is also the same as “If you don’t know the answer, go find someone that does.”  These rules still stand.  “Don’t be a tattle tale” still stands too.

Turns out the Tac I thought was so mean was a sweetheart.  His name was Pierce.  Corey Pierce.  Pierce took me to the Dr. a few months later because I was really sick.  I lived on campus and didn’t have any money.  He paid for the Dr. visit and for my medication.  I’ll never forget how he stood up for me.  I was a woman,  and smart and some guys, believe it or not, did NOT like that.  Little did they know I would have the highest academic score and was president of my reserve academy.  I also had a letter of commendation as a reserve officer before I even went to the full time academy for solving a burglary in less than 48 hours. (That’s a whole ‘nother story!)

My lesson was never judge a book by it’s cover.  They HAD to treat us a certain way at times.  It made us pay attention to detail and made us tough.  It made us smarter and better people. I will never forget Pierce and what he did for me.  He reminded me that I had a career now, not a JOB.  He talked to me the whole way there and back like he was my brother.  He was and still is my “brother”, my brother in blue.  You never stop being a cop.  It’s like being a Dr., but not having a practice or any patients.  You will always be a cop, feel like one, and act like one on so many levels.  Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much.  We have to learn how to take the “cop hat” off and put blinder’s on.  Especially when it comes to family and friends.  More importantly for when the day comes where you have to quit, or retire for whatever reason.  Mine was to take care of my daughter and family.  I couldn’t do it working so many hours.

Pierce went back to normal scary after we got back.  After I graduated he was so cool.  We talked, hugged, laughed..I called him by his first name just because I COULD, and that made him laugh.

Stick up for the little guy!  They just might be your boss some day.  I ended up a detective and the little snot ended up not lasting..who would’ve thought?  Not that I wanted him to fail..THAT was his own doing, and was good for all of us.  We don’t need cops like that protecting and SERVING our citizens.

Take Care All!