How The Hell Am I Supposed To Do THIS?!

It’s been about 4 years since the “remodel” of our house started.  It quickly became a complete tear up, or down, and has now reached the point where I can see a pinprick of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

I am having a party on Saturday.  My daughter turned 15 this week, and well this IS her house, so finally her birthday will be here come hell or high water.  OK, I probably shouldn’t have said high water since we are having a day of monsoon like storms.

We started the clean up last week.  It started slow with me staring and blinking so hard you could probably hear it.  I then cried numerous times while picking things up in a room that we used to put EVERYTHING in.  Every time I picked something up a creepy crawly thing would appear, or some kind of gross event.  Gross enough to make me gag or just think to myself that I can’t believe this part of the house is so freaking disgusting.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I cannot believe it got to this point.  I was not raised like this and neither was my husband.  He apologized saying he was a hoarder, I apologized for just not doing anything about it.  We are both at fault here.  At least we intervened on our own, that’s the bright side.  Working together at first was really tense.  Then something really cool happened.  We started working TOGETHER!  Laughing and giggling til tears streamed down our faces.  The accomplishments at the end of each day gave us a sense of purpose and has brought us closer.

Finally true pride in my home has hit me.  I know what happened.

As a child and into adolescence I grew up pretty rough.  I would say poor at times, other times just scraping by.  My mom used to take us to the area that I live now and talk about living here someday, or we would just looked at the houses and dream.  My mom would take us down to the beach that I now look at every day and say that we could live like this if we worked hard with our minds, not our hands.

So here I am.  I have arrived.  I used to feel like this was not permanent.  I don’t know why.  I would look around and think “Take it in, because it will be taken from you.”  I have no idea why I would think like that.  It was almost like I never let this truly feel like my home.  Well damn it!  IT’S MINE! FINALLY!

My daughter deserves a house that isn’t sheet rock and plywood floors anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a dump by any means, it has just been neglected in some areas while fixing the others.  FIXING, like putting it back together.

2 days to go.  Still need to pressure wash, get 7 or 8 ladders out of the living room/entry way, clean up tools such as tubs of mud and trowels.  Vacuum up the dust from sanding the walls.

Now that I have actually written this I know exactly how to do this! Image

I am truly grateful for all that I have.  I am even more grateful for throwing a lot of stuff out!  Simple is really easier.  No clutter, both in my house and mind.

This is not the hardest I have ever worked, but something was so hard about it.  Letting go of the guilt now and cleaning this shit up.  Time to knock it off and take control of my life.


5 thoughts on “How The Hell Am I Supposed To Do THIS?!”

  1. Your right we weren’t raised that way, we were raised to constantly clean, wash clothes and bleach something. I know I rebelled for a bit and didn’t do anything except be with my kids because I had always felt like cleaning was more important in our childhood than being a child. We lived in a place, made friends and then moved, that’s why you didn’t let yourself settle, well honey it’s time!! It’s ok to be comfortable, make it your HOME, it’s not temporary as the other places have been. Peanut does deserve a home and so do all of you, have fun creating your space. You know all you have to do is call and I am there to help, not judge or make faces, unless something creepy crawls out then I’m outta there !! You live, learn and do.

  2. I am not about to let you kick my friend around! I love ya girl. You need to stop the nagativity towards yourself. This has been a year from hell and you haven,t even been home for what 6 months? My summer has kicked my butt too and my house shows it too. Mr. Zen has said let go of it but right now we are riding into the hills to get the building unloaded and moved THREE TIMES! 13,000 lbs X 3 = son of a bllllleeeeeep! Think I will let the boys do the work while I cook. 😉 both of us need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to each other. Does that mean we don’t dig in and kick butt oncein awhile? Hell no! But it does mean that it needs to take place far less often to be certain. Here is a deal…I will stop you if you stop me

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